Too Many Words

Here is the cast as of 5/13/2006:

These are the people who appear prominently in the blog. It’s kind of a Cast of Characters. Helpful if you’re just tuning in and keeping score at home. They’re kind of in order of who I spend the most time with, though I could easily argue I spend more time with The Bureau than in my apartment.

Roommates (Current/Former/Psuedo)

• Sam - I met Sam the first day of high school when he sat behind me and Matt Slanga threw paper at the back of my head. We’ve been friends ever since.
• Cristian - Cristian is the voice of insanity in our apartment. He can always be depended on to use his native Spanish for a character in my class video projects. He spoils 24 for me each week.
• J - Sam’s girlfriend who doesn’t technically live here but is in our apartment more than I am. Co-President of TASA with Sam.
• Jennie - Cristian’s girlfriend of 3 years. She teaches little kids and puts stickers all over our place.
• Sing - My roommate from freshman year and best friend at college. Currently the Opinion Editor of The Diamondback where he writes alternatingly nice/mean things about me.
• Nikhil, Ben, Jordan - Though we have never technically lived in the same place at the same time, we’ve known each other since the first week of college and we’re all essentially roommates. Ben, Sing, and Jordan live with Sing in the building next door. Nikhil loves baseball like me, Ben loves Hawai’i and being Hawai’ian, and Jordan loves his bike.
• Chris - Chris moved out the day before I moved in, so again, technically we never cohabitated, but we were neighbors for a year and I am in his old apartment. I’ve also known him since high school. Ask about the “repelling incident” and the dawn of “Chris Hidey’s Action Xtreme Team.”

The Bureau

The Bureau is the newest performance comedy group at the University of Maryland. We do stand-up, sketch, improv, music, and any other type of comedy. We have close ties to a lot of DC professional stand-up and improv comics and love every aspect of comedy.

• Matt Mayer - President, Co-Founder, Co-Everything Director of The Bureau. In 7 months, Matt and I have realized we have more in common than some twins. A very funny person who will one day rule the comedy world.
• Matt Liebman - Co-Founder & Stand-up Director of The Bureau. Best musician I’ve ever seen. Has opened for the Sklar Brothers and gives me rides to all the meetings.
• Doran - Doran of the Kevin variety (to differentiate him from his brother, who recently joined the group). Doran is a ECE major much like I was when I started college. With no prior experience, he ran a perfect tech show our first time. With even less experience, he routinely shows us up at stand-up performances. Funny, funny kid.
• Mike - I just laugh at seeing his name. Mike is the funniest, most off-the-wall kid ever. Other than that, he reminds me of myself. He has scruples, dammit! He doesn’t make fun of retarded people or midgets.
• Kevin - Mr. Gorilla Hands borrowed my pen for 10 minutes two weeks ago and it still smells like Marlboro. But other than that, he’s a fantastic and funny guy.
• Joe - Co-Creative Director of the group and the third in the “closed door decision making process” along with Matt and myself. All jokes aside, Joe’s the reason anything gets done at meetings.
• Graham - The pretty-boy of the group, Graham is probably the fastest thinker out of all of us. He never ceases to amaze. He also works with Sing at the Diamondback where he never ceases to call me during 24! How many times do I need to emphasize that this is unacceptable?! He’s also a fantastic graffiti artist, even more impressive because he is the WASPiest person to exist.
• Jon - I worked with Jon for 2 years at the Cow Nipple before I asked him to come to a rehearsal of The Bureau as a new set of eyes. He’d heard me talking up this new group I joined and was skeptical, but after watching the show he begged to join. He’s a fantastic writer and inherited my position of Editor-in-Chief of the Cow Nipple when I left.
• Molly - Matt’s little sister is also the Stage Manager for the group. She also introduces me to her many female friends and brought me on Spring Break. In exchange, I fix her computer. Thanks Molly!
• Jogina - Joanna Chilcoat is an accomplished actress who starred in a feature film and is now relegated to playing over-sexualized bit parts in our group. Just kidding. (The nickname was to differentiate her from male Joe).
• Kelly - After Matt, Matt, and I saw Kelly perform at the District’s Funniest College Competition, we asked her to audition for the group. We made a good choice.
• Regina - Regina is awesome. She’s currently on leave of absence from the group, but not from my life. Summary: Regina, awesome.
• Carrie - The self-described “abrasive Jew.”
• Key - Has the best Mad Scientist Laugh™ ever. Also a rapper and bouncer.
• Thomas - Has the most immersive writing ever. You are completely enveloped by the gynecology stories or unicorn weddings or whatever he’s writing about today.
• Tom - The other half of Dr. Doran’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution. Two brothers who like Arrested Development and making us laugh.
• Eitan - Resident Beard Director.
• Jeff - Can juggle and spontaneously combust simultaneously. Not too many people can say that.
• Dan - Dan’s an English major and the only one who understands why I correct Jeff for saying “philander” instead of “filibuster.”

Friends

Uh, friends. Everyone has them, I have fewer. But they’re the best.

• Rebecca - We’ve known each other for 12 years and finally became friends over a Spanish assignment last year. I’m not sure if the world can handle another person as bitter and sarcastic as I am. That’s why we get along so well.
• Nicole - The founder of the Long Reach Ice Hockey Club, she abandoned me and moved to Carolina for college. But she’s back in DC for a semester of internship and we spend all kinds of time together. She’s the only person who truly understands my tortured soul, and takes any opportunity to drag emotions out of me.
• Claire - Claire is Joe’s fianceé and my (not-so-)secret lover. She is a wonderful girl who always smiles at our antics.
• Judy - Judy lives down the hall and is another high school friend. We have tons of fun (mostly putting buckets of water over the door and filming it).
• Matt Langan - Is the reason I survived 3 hours of Data Communications every day in high school. Matt and I are polar opposite clichés with identical senses of humor. He’s a great drummer and visual artist. His hare-brained schemes for post-college careers are not quite hare-brained enough to make them unattractive. If I end up homeless in 10 years, it’s because Matt and I went for the gold.
• Dominic - My neighbor and best friend for 18 years. The reason I grew up playing baseball, eating Korean food, and knowing enough of the language to say hi to his grandparents. He’s studying doctoring or something up in Boston.
• Bernard - Dominic’s younger brother whom I help with homework a lot. I think he’s probably better at every sport than either of us now.
• Max - Max’ exploits in high school were well-documented in the now defunct IanComix. Most of our time together centers around Physics, Computer Science, or bowling.
• Chris Biggs - Through a glitch in the Matrix, Chris was not on this list. That could have been construed to mean he is not one of my friends, which is the most erroneous possible conclusion. Chris and I remember the same Oriole miracles like Chris Hoiles’ 9th-inning, game-winning, grand-slam during a mid-nineties road-trip at 1 am. We remember the same Nickelodeon programming that shaped us into fine upstanding citizens (Kenan & Kel and Pete & Pete). And Chris authors the best SGA Bills in history. He got us $1100 to put on the T.I.C.K.L.E. previously, and he’s working on a fantastic new one as we speak. Might actually make the legislative meetings a little interesting in the near future.

This section will continue to grow as I promote people to friend status.

Comics

Breaking into the DC comedy scene was very easy because there is a community of comics who genuinely encourage new performers. I have gotten very close to many of these comics, and some of them will be huge in the near future. Keep an eye out for these names.

• Ryan Conner - Will probably be the next Mitch Hedberg. He is a hilarious comedian and is moving to New York to continue his rocket of a career.
• Rory Scovel - Rory took me under his wing and fed me bits of comedic genius. He is the best improv/stand-up comic I have ever seen, and I have seen a lot of comedy. Saturday nights after a show we can sit around at Rory’s house and laugh for 6 hours without stopping.
• Danny Rouhier - Though he may contest, Danny is the most consistently funny comic I know. He crushes every performance I see, despite the fact that his last name is indeed French.
• Jay Hastings - Who is Jay Hastings? No one is really sure but it is guaranteed that by the end of the night, his shirt will be missing. Actually, he’s a pretty funny stand-up as well. But the shirt thing is what he’s known for.
• Tyler Sonnichsen - Tyler started Penguins Without Pants, a sketch comedy group at Syracuse, so he is a wealth of information for Matt and myself. He also hosts a great show down at the Laughing Lizard Lounge in Alexandria. He is hilarious and an awesome friend.

SGA

Every year of college I have run for the position of SGA President as a joke. I met more people doing this than any other activity here. I loved doing it. I now hold the Cabinet position of Director of Communication. Some of the people I met along the way are worthy of being mentioned here.

• Emma - Emma ran for President this year against me. We talk a lot. She’s cool. The end.
• Daozhong - Daozhong has been the VP of Finance for a year and most likely will be again in the coming year. She helped The Bureau get over $10,000 of additional funding to put on new events after the SGA had already maxed out the funding they could provide us. She is the most awesome VP of Finance ever.
• Wes - Director of Communication & Public Relations for the SGA and Campaign Manager for Emma & Daozhong. Wes is the member of his party I am least attracted to and yet offers me the most sexual favors for updating their website. A good friend who also enjoys hockey.
• Melissa - Mel is equatable to CJ from the West Wing. Well, that’s what I hear - if she would let me borrow the DVDs I could make the assessment myself. She is the only other libertarian I know and is as sarcastic as I am. Grade A in my book.
• Rachel - The only lemur I know, Rachel is more fun than… well, a whole barrel of monkeys. Always good times.
• Sarah - Oh my, the things I could write. But honestly, The Durf needs no background. Just don’t call her a giraffe.
• Laura - Stalked me before I could stalk her. Seriously, what’s up with all the attractive women in the SGA? How does this make sense at all?
• Derrick - Director of Student Groups and a big reason The Bureau won two awards our first year in existence.
• Meagan - The only female I’ve met who can throw as many Arrested Development quotes at me as I can at her. If only she weren’t a Yankee fan…
• Devin - Devin is the smartest person, sober or drunk, that I know. Our conversations are always deep, profound, and horribly offensive. Hilarious is another word I would throw in there, as well.
• Bronzo - Bronzo crushes people in Midnight Baseball. He claims it’s because he can’t see the basepaths, but we think he just enjoys bowling people over - running to or defending the base.
• Melissa Morales - Melissa Morales swore she wouldn’t play Midnight Baseball and then was one of the most consistent pitchers we have. But you can believe her when she talks about VP of Academic Affairs stuff.
• Tad - Not only is Tad Greenleaf the best name ever, Tad has a cannon. You want Tad on your team. Also, he’s Speaker of the Legislature. I guess that’s impressive.
• Aaron - Aaron Kraus was the first President I saw elected. My campaign freshman year against him was more fun than any other. I still see him frequently and I was in Annapolis every day that he held his hunger strike. I also took him out for crabs immediately following the hunger strike. Halfway through his first Maryland Steamed Crab smothered in Old Bay, he remembered he was Jewish. One of our favorite memories.

Siblings

• James - Artist and hockey player. Knows more about comics than anyone I know, and I know a lot of nerds. More artistic talent at the age of 5 than I’ve ever possessed. Imagine how much he’s gotten better in 10 years.
• Philip - Hockey runs in the family. He’ll probably be better than James or I, but we have many years on him.
• Kate - Just recently decided to attend college far away from home. Had an acceptance rate 3x higher than mine, so clearly had more choices than I did. Not that I regret Maryland…

Cow Nipple

My introduction to comedy at college was The Maryland Cow Nipple, a humor newspaper printed monthly with a circulation of 10,000. I did the graphics for 3 years and was President/EIC for almost 2.

• Wes - Probably the funniest writer ever. Wes blew me away with his joke-shaping capabilities. He will either be the President’s speech-writer or homeless because he’s studying Philosophy.
• Scott - This Time In History would not be possible without Scott, who remembers all of history and also how to make it funny.
• James - Current webmaster of the site and fellow CS student, James reminds me when we have quizzes and such. Also, he writes funny articles.
• Kate - Kate took over for the previous sex columnist when she graduated. Unlike her, Kate only writes from experience. The Cow Nipple has had 83,254 sex columns in the last four issues due to Kate’s wealth of experience.
• Dave - Co-President with me during my tenure, Dave was also Treasurer and made sure that for some reason, the SGA continued to fund our ludicrous and negligible contribution to the school and community.
• Rob - Affectionately known as “Star Trek Rob,” he is indeed the best copy editor I know. Maktar, Rob, maktar.

Diamondback

The Diamondback is the on-campus newspaper. It is annually ranked one of the best college papers in the country. Every year they write about me during the elections which is why I like reading it.

• Sam Hedenberg - Aside from Sing and Graham, Sam is the only reporter I’ve ever talked to who gets my quotes accurate. He also has covered the SGA longer than anyone and he gives me freedom to be creative when he writes about me.