Too Many Words

People ask “Why the huge picture? It’s pretty obvious that’s not you because no one who looks that good would know how to make their own webpage.”

Sorry my friends, not only is the picture Photoshopped into oblivion, but I do actually run the site myself, as opposed to those slackers (read: successful comics) who pay other people to do it for them. But I don’t put up the huge picture for my ego or because I think it looks particularly good - I do it because I like to know whose writing I’m reading on other sites, and the bigger/clearer the picture, the more inherent trust the writer gains. It’s fairly baseless, since I could just as easily put a good picture of someone else up there, but when the photos accompanying websites are 80 pixel high grainy greyscale headshots, the author just doesn’t have the same e-charisma. Did you like my coinage of the term e-charisma? It will never again be used in any form of communication. Especially not this blog.

e-charisma! e-charisma! e-charisma e-charisma e-charisma!

What is there to write?

Well, unless I changed something recently, this link was pretty unobtrusive, so either you’re really curious, you click randomly, or you modified the CSS sheets. All, I feel, good reasons to read what follows.

I write, you read, we laugh, we cry, you leave. - That’s the tagline of the site. I came up with it before I had any content. I’m not sure if it’s holding true.

It’s a blog about the daily happenings at the University of Maryland; my adventures in Washington, DC; my involvement as President of the humor newspaper, The Maryland Cow Nipple; as Writing Director of the sketch/stand-up/improv comedy group, The Bureau; and as assistant coach of a high school hockey team. Updated almost every day, sometimes twice. And sometimes if you’re not around, I’ll update by myself. But I was thinking of you.

I figure I’ll go through and answer all the standard “can’t-be-used-against-me-in-a-court-of-law” type questions.

Oh, better yet, as an interview in a magazine or newspaper! Because that bit definitely hasn’t been overused to death! (If you want to skip the writing and go directly to the slightly more relevant info, click here.)

The Man Beside Me: An Interview with Andy LoPresto
by Dr. Tobias Fünke

I’ve been an analyst and a therapist for many years; in fact I was the world’s first analrapist. So I felt it fitting to be the first to interview the elusive and sometimes reclusive author of “Too Many Words” - a horribly mind-numbing approach to key-mashing updated almost daily. What follows is my intimate discussion with Andy LoPresto.

TF: Let’s start with the simple questions: What is the meaning of life?

AL: The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence. It’s in the dictionary. You can do your own research next time.

TF: I see. Tell us a little about yourself.

AL: I was born at the age of 0 and learned to read three days later. I’ve played and currently coach high school hockey, I can speak Spanish and Korean in addition to bits of Italian and German, and I’m also-

TF: Fascinating. Shall we move on?

AL: Why not?

TF: I see here that you ran for SGA President the last two years. What was that like for you?

AL: It was a wonderful experience. I met a lot of great people I never would have otherwise, and I have a lot of great memories. I’d recommend it to anyone. I certainly was not an outgoing person before that, but after being thrust into a situation where you have to think on your feet and keep an audience’s attention, I discovered I really enjoyed performing as well as writing.

TF: And how did you do in the polls?

AL: 5% and 7% I believe. Thanks for bringing that up. But at least I beat Mr. Two Percent.

TF: Yes, well. Tell me about the student groups you are in.

AL: Well, first and foremost, I’m one of the Presidents and Editors-in-Chief of the Maryland Cow Nipple. I’ve been doing that since my freshman year and that has definitely had a large impact on my personality throughout college.

I’m also the Historian of TASA, the Taiwanese American Student Association. But I basically do that because I enjoy taking pictures and video and there are a lot of Taiwanese women there. Wait, that sounds creepy. I meant that I like taking pictures and video, and there are a lot of Taiwanese women, but the two subjects are unrelated. It’s a lot of fun.

The third group I’m in is the newest. Founded this summer, The Bureau is the university’s first comedy group that performs stand-up as well as improv, sketch, and any other forms of comedy we want to. They are by far the funniest people you’ll talk to on campus. Cow Nipple people are funny too, but they have to write their shit down. I’m the Writing Director for TB. And yes, I will keep abbreviating it thusly even though it reminds people of tuberculosis.

TF: I really wasn’t looking for such a detailed and…long…answer. What were we talking about? Ah yes, your favorite TV shows and movies and such?

AL: My music is all available for public perusal here. You can see what I listen to a lot, what I just listened to, and other irrelevant information about my music habits. It’s not exactly accurate because of reporting errors, but it’s a good general idea. I just wanted to point out that I’ve listened to Jimmy Eat World - Pain (Radio Edit) over 300 times, not whatever number less than 100 it says. As far as TV, there’s this show on Fox on Monday nights that I watch every week. I can’t remember the name…oh yes, Prison Break. But by far my favorite show is obviously Arrested Development.

TF: I don’t think I have seen that one.

AL: Probably not. Oh yes, and I always cry at the end of A Muppet Christmas Carol.

TF: Yes, it gets me, too.

AL: I don’t see you crying, robot!

Ok, I ran out of stuff to write about. There’s not much else I do. Here is a list of things I do do.

• I attend the University of Maryland. I’m majoring in computer science. I am involved in a lot of things outside my major but I’m not one of those people who join every student group and annoy the hell out of you. Well, I hope not.
• I love photography, as you can see from all the pictures on the right. Many of them are not good. Some of them are. Look at the good ones. Ignore the bad ones.
• I am a prolific writer. Much of it is bad, some is good. I offer the same advice as with the photos.
• I own a lot of DVDs and a lot of music. I pay for all of it because I think the creators deserve the money and I don’t enjoy stealing. You don’t care.
• I don’t own a pair of jeans. I always wear khakis. Isn’t that odd?
• I love stand-up comedy. I write a lot, but don’t perform very frequently myself. More often, I watch other people do it. You can see the long list on the right of my favorite comedians. Matt Mayer doesn’t have a website but he’s also a funny one.
• I have a Davison bass which I play about 5 times a week. Unfortunately I don’t play very long each time so I am not very good.
• I love my job and that’s a very good thing. I’m one of the few people that would rather be working 50 hours a week than going to college.

Feel free to leave a comment on the site or send me an email.