Cop A Squat, VA
I know I’ve neglected this place over the last week. I’ve been reminded to update by everyone ranging from my brother to my boss to my grandmother. I have plenty to discuss, including the movie review you’ve been waiting 8 months for, but something preempts all of that. It will just have to wait. This is serious business. Well, it was serious business earlier this evening. I distracted myself by doing some home construction and talking to Lauren on the phone for an hour, so my rage has substantially subsided. But I will try to summon it back as I write the rest of this. In fact, for everyone reading this, you probably want to skip to the next post. This one is just between Virginia and me. Virginia, pull up a chair, sit tight, strap in, and hold on. We’re gonna have a little chat. Everyone else, earmuffs.
Virginia, what the fuck?!
Look I realize that your state’s 12% literacy rate is debilitating, but how in the world can you give driver’s licenses to people who do not understand the basic laws of traffic, nay, the basic laws of physics? I seriously contemplated suicide as I drove home tonight. I-95 ought to be quarantined from your motorized plague carriers you call cars.
I sincerely feel that to make some effort towards righting the wrongs that the first European colonizers committed against the indigenous peoples of this continent, we ought to return 98% of Virginia to them. Warring tribes, disease and famine, and I still think they were doing a much better job with that land than anything we’ve done since. I propose some Tom Swift-style justice in the form of using Virginia drivers as live organ donors. They would serve a purpose for humanity two-fold by improving other people’s quality of life through the organ donation and through staying off the road.
The entrance ramp to I-495 is plastered with signs that say “KEEP RIGHT”, “ALL LANES THRU”, etc. So when someone tries to cross 4 lanes of traffic at 30 mph while other cars are coming at 70, you can see how this is a less than optimal situation. I can swallow my anger when it’s simply an annoying occurrence - as almost every encounter with a Virginia driver is - like going 55 in the left lane. It’s annoying, but it’s not putting anyone’s life in immediate danger. But a complete obliviousness to the cars around you and an attempt to cross traffic almost at a right angle as if you were invincible, well, that dog won’t hunt, monsignor.
I’m not even talking about the absurd driving I’ve seen in Virginia. I appreciate the “If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen” scenario that would involve. When I do venture there, I gaze longingly at the shores of DC as I cross the Key Bridge and the Potomac River - my own personal River Styx, separating the living from the dead. No, my friends, this is that cancerous state hemorrhaging its drivers onto the roads of neighboring domains like Maryland and DC. The concept of the “social contract” - proposed by Socrates, John Locke, Thomas Hobbes, and John Rawls, is foreign to you, Virginia drivers. I understand this. I will try to explain it in simple words: If you want to drive on the highway, you have to follow the rules. If you don’t like the rules, you don’t have to follow them. But then you don’t get to use the highway.
There was a lot more I’m sure, but really this was just a good release of blood pressure. For the usual jovial stuff, march forward to the next post.
Technorati Tags: drivers, john locke, snakes on a plane, social contract, socrates, virginiaFiled under: Stories
Well I do not drive so often in Virginia so I can’t fell what you fell. One point is that generally in DC, MD and VA (maybe all US) the majority of people don’t drive very well. Maybe it’s too easy to get your driving license. Indeed, I remember my test at DC MVA (I had already French driving license). They gave me the book with all the question and the answers of the test. You just have to remember it. But my point concern your references for the “social contractâ€. If Socrates was his mentor, Platon is the one that start to introduce this concept in “The republicâ€. Bbut maybe the real first one was Grotius. Hobbes and Locke add their thought, but do not forget Jean-Jacques Rousseau and his famous “Du contrat social†even if his essay was oriented due to the emergence of the ideas that lead to the French revolution.
I’ve lived in Northern Virginia for decades, I lived in DC for 5 years, and worked in Rockville, Maryland for 4 years. While there’s a lot of stupid driving in Virginia, my experience has been that Maryland drivers are by far the worst of VA, MD, and DC. The many times I almost got run over (as a pedestrian) in DC, the offending car almost always had Maryland tags. I see it in Virginia, too, Maryland drivers are incredibly aggressive and have no concept of what a pedestrian is.
I must say as a driver from South Carolina I am definitely going to weigh in on this one. You see, driving is like pancakes, if you don’t add the syrup whose gonna fuss the butter, you see? Its simple if you are from a state that has bad drivers, you are also gay. It doesn’t mean gay as in gay but gay as in a horrible driver along with the rest of your state. I realize I’ve yet to choose a side in this, let me finish. So by far Snakes on a Plane is a great movie or is it Virginia? You guys don’t even know how to watch movies right and futhermore Maryland is just a gay name for a state. Get it? Me neither. This is the best comment ever left in a comment field ever ever ever. Drivers need to have cars. Thats my only argument ever and it will always most certainly be the case among many non-drivers. If you don’t have a car, stay off the F-ing road. Got it America? Good. Cheeses.
Oh this was too funny. I live in Northern Virginia and everyone I know feels the same way I do: Maryland drivers are the worst in this area. We don’t know what it is; is it the state of Maryland is too small for drivers to drive the way they want, so when they are in a state like VA or PA they have the room to drive like maniacs? God help you if there is VW with Maryland tags.
Oh, and the 12% literacy, I don’t know where you got that information (since you don’t bother to cite it), but an article in the July 13, 2006 Washington Post (that’s the WP not some random website statistic) said: “In Maryland, 33 percent of incoming high-school freshmen will need extra help in reading, according to results from the 2006 Maryland School Assessments released last month. In Virginia, 24 percent of last year’s freshmen needed additional support.” And about citing sources, here it is http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/07/12/AR2006071201825.html
Ah, judging from your comments, its the classic MD-VA debate. It harkens me back to the oncampus stylings of the Baltimore-Washington Rivalry.
Bob: My city is better than your armpit of a city!
Joe: Oh yeah? Well my city is better than your skankhole of a city!
Sue: Hey, I’m from Richmon-
Bob & Joe: SHUT UP WHORE!
Only replace city with state.
Its of my opinion that Marylanders, Virginians, DCers are all horrible drivers. In fact, all Americans are horrible drivers. That includes Canada and Mexico, because really, aside from the tiny Latin and French influences, they’re American too.
You know who the best drivers are? The Iraqis. They are some of the most vigilant drivers in the world. Not ever IED takes out a military vehicle. They take out their fair share of civillian vehicles as well.
See how carefully Ahkmed drives in suburban Bagdad, in his white four door 1998 Ford Focus sedan. Both eyes carefully looking on the road, and the cars surrounding him. Ahkmed has to be on the look out for roadkill stuffed with bombs, or wacky Iranians who want to kidnap his family at gun point for living in a US sanctioned area. Oh, let’s not forget those pesky Americans and British walking around with machine guns. Best drive the speed limit and follow all traffic laws. Don’t want to piss those fellas off.
I’m going to hell for this comment. I hope I get a window seat.
Strange, usually the post is funnier than the comments.
James brings up some excellent points. Rory has a good point there, too…..I think.